Sunday 2/28

Sunday the sermon was excellent. It was on having peace in the midst of the storm. I think I've been trying to get peace from thinking the storm will eventually pass, or by X date I'll have a job, or my business will be humming. I now think that in the long run, this phase in my life will be judged ultimately a success not by the prospect of financial security, but instead if I am able to learn to have real peace when things don't seem to be going to plan.

I have a feeling that's one of those life lessons you can only learn when you struggle, and so if I get through the struggling part without learning how to find peace and trust in God in the middle of it with no end in sight, I'll miss out on an opportunity to grow.

I usually try and take the long view on things, and I've had the feeling in the back of my mind that this time around, God might really want me to grow through the struggle. I think I'm finding that one downside of the tendency to take the long view is that you can stay calm through the unknown without necessarily relying on God.

It reminds me of when I swam across the lake this past summer. I really dislike swimming, but there was this swim across the lake and back - I think it was about a mile total distance, I don't remember exactly - and I decided to do it just for the challenge.

I am a very weak swimmer, and have zero form. I don't like the water, and I hate water in my nose. However, I think I've become a bit overconfident in my physical ability after running a few marathons, thinking that mental toughness can push me through almost anything.

When I woke up that day, I did put my chances at drowning at maybe 20 percent seeing as if you're on a long run and have to stop you can walk, but if you're on a long swim and have to stop, you're hosed! So I was kinda nervous. But when I got to edge of the water and found out my name would be on a plaque on the inaugural swimming event, there was no way I was going to wuss out.

It was long, and it was hard, but once I got going, I enjoyed the challenge. In fact, I spent a good portion of the time talking philosophy and cosmology with the guy in the jet ski who was next to me the whole time (I think he put my chances of drowning at about 40% since he saw me struggling a few days back on a 300 meter swim).

Ok, I'm getting off track. Point is, through the whole ordeal I thought if I was determined enough, I'd eventually make it. I didn't think that God would have to deliver me via divine intervention from the swim (although without jet ski man by my side on the way back, my theology probably would changed), I just gritted my teeth and swam.

I think I've been bringing that mindset to finding a job and working on my business the last few months. I just grit my teeth and go, and seem to be ok even when it gets really tough at times. I get the suspicioun that perhaps God keeps piling on the diffulities and stress level because in the back of my mind I still think I can get through it was sheer power of will. I've not yet been fully trusting and focusing on God first.

I'm not saying that the only reason I haven't landed a job and my business is a success right now is because God's preventing it, that would seem a little arrogant I think, but it does seem that things have been unexpectedly rocky lately, right when it seems things are about ready to come together.

Hopefully God doesn't have to break my will before I start relying on Him more and less on my stubbornness...